Facing the Shadow Body
The concept of ‘shadow work’ is the idea that we repress parts of ourselves (push them into the shadows) and try to ignore their existence. Of course, just because something is repressed and ignored, doesn’t mean it disappears! In fact, without consciously addressing these shadowy parts of ourselves we risk them growing out of control. The ‘work’ is addressing the parts of us that we have kept in the shadows by taking them out into the light and inspecting them.
As mentioned in my previous post, I feel very disconnected and dissociated from my experience of being in a body. My awareness of the body has been repressed and shoved into the shadows. I’m curious to bring this out and look at why I’ve been self-rejecting for so long.
One of the major reasons we repress parts of ourselves is because we are ashamed. That is certainly the case with me and my body. My body has felt like it’s wrong or shameful ever since I can remember. I think a lot of this is due to my size. I’ve always been bigger and taller than my peers.
Remember the story of Sleeping Beauty and the ugly sisters whose feet were too big to fit the glass slipper? When I was a teenager my feet grew to the point where they would no longer fit in the women’s styles. I had to pick from the men’s section. I felt like the ugly sisters because my feet had grown beyond the bounds of what is socially acceptable for a woman.
When I was young, I discovered that I could escape the physical world by living in my imagination. It was very attractive to escape into the world inside my head and forget, as much as possible, the realities of living in my body. This is how dissociation occurs- the physical reality of life is too painful to bear so we repress and ignore it and go to another existential plane inside our heads.
The more I loved my fantasy world or the cerebral world of information and knowledge, the more I became disconnected from the reality of my physical form. The only time I would listen to my body was when it complained of pain, hunger, thirst etc.
In order to bring my embodied experience of life into the light, I need to become more consciously aware of my body. I am anticipating that this will be very difficult for me! I have a few ideas of things I can try to become more consciously embodied, but if you have any suggestions I would love to hear from you.
We live with two terrors:
Being looked at,
Not being looked at.
- Carol Rumens
