On Body Size

This is a photo of me, aged 19.

Can you believe that I thought I was fat back then?

It's been a huge obsession and preoccupation since I was about 10.

We were weighed publicly in primary school and the teacher made a list of everyone in the class from smallest to biggest. I was the biggest. Looking back, I was just taller than the other kids, but I internalised the message that I was too big.

It didn't help that it was the 90s and heroin chic was the look we were taught to aspire to by the girly magazines.

Several people made throwaway comments about my weight and shape that they probably don't remember now, but they have stuck with me ever since.

I remember being upset that I was in the 'normal' range on the BMI charts because I wanted to be underweight. How ridiculous is that?!

The obsession with body shape and size is a very effective way to ensnare and silence women. It happens at such a tender age that it's almost impossible to throw off those chains later in life. Every time I have wanted to speak up for myself or for something I believe in, there's a voice that says "but who will listen to you when you're so fat?".

The irony is that these days I am officially fat. It's an insult that has lost power for me now that it's actually correct!

I still obsess about it.

I still want to lose weight more than anything in the world.

I still have that little voice that says I am worthless because of my inability to shrink myself to an acceptable size.

But I have to wonder. If I did lose the weight, would I ever actually lose the worry, the shame, the obsession?